Words from the heart and soul
Inside of me, the inner child
I’ve known so well, these many years
Is urging me, “be free and wild”
“Cast off your silly grown-up fears”
Yet here I sit, so meek and mild
I work and fret and pay the bills
A longing sigh, to live beguiled
To sing of dreams, to roll down hills
“Come play with me a little while”
“I’ve been too long locked up, exiled”
“And YOU my friend, you need a smile”
And that is how we reconciled
Just me and my dear, inner child
I was reviewing some old Facebook posts in preparation for the story I’m writing about Lane. The following passages are taken directly from these posts and will give you an insight into Lane’s evolving state of mind and body.
11/26/2009
Lane: Today (Thanksgiving) I am thankful for still singing and playing music, improved health, almost 8 years with Todd, a back yard and really cool dog and his favorite toy ball. Happy Thanksgiving all!!!!
12/23/2009
Lane: Just got tested again for glaucoma. Getting old sucks!
12/25/2009
Lane: Just came back from our annual Xmas dinner and gift exchange in Palo Alto. Todd’s mom, dad, Todd, me and grandma. I got my very first Nano I-Pod!!! Will spend tomorrow figuring out what it can do. No more lugging around my CD player or cassette player in my knapsack with all the tapes and CD jewel cases.
12/30/2009
Lane: Happy birthday Todd!!!!!
Todd: I love you, sweetie!
Lane: Za veeling ist mooo-schual.
01/06/2010
Lane: Gone over census history of my mother’s side and found I am Swedish, Danish, English and German. Some of this I did not know till now.
01/20/2010
Lane: Rain, rain and more rain. The ground is saturated and there are small lakes forming in my back yard. After a 3 year drought here, I know we need it….but all at once!?
02/08/2010
Todd: My partner, Lane, is sick. Please send healing thoughts his way. Thanks!
02/16/2010
Todd: Lane just had a full colostomy (entire colon removed). He’s in the ICU now. I don’t know if he realizes what happened. I’m pretty heartbroken…
04/19/2010
Todd: Lane was moved to a skilled nursing facility today. He’ll probably be there for the next two weeks at least. He’s doing much better! Can’t wait to have him home again.
04/27/2010
Todd: It has been a difficult week for Lane. He was doing very well when he was moved to the skilled nursing facility. Now he’s not sure when he is coming home. On top of that, he’s in pain due to complications from the abdominal tube that was sutured two weeks ago. He has a computer now and can check e-mail and Facebook. If you want to contact him, please do not hesitate to do so. I know he would appreciate it!
05/09/2010
Lane: Hoping for some positive news from the doctor’s as to when i can finally be able to mange things at home. Will be recovering at Todd’s house. Been pretty ill with some serious surgery done. Hope to be a better on line friend as I get to feeling better. thanks for all your well wishes over the last couple of months
05/10/2010
Lane: Happy to report that I will be released from the hospital next Thursday 5/20!!! Thanks again…..everyone……. for all your good energy and thoughts.
05/21/2010
Lane: Asking for all your wishes and good energy. Been home from the hospital 2 days now and between Todd and myself trying to learn an infusion system, sort out all the meds I used to take and the new ones they put me on in the hospital over the last 3 months. I guess what I am saying is I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed at all that must go into my home care routine. All of your kind words mean a lot to me.
06/19/2010
Lane: Thanks everyone for your best wishes. Things are improving and the surgeon still thinks I may be able to get the restoration surgery as early as September. Hope all is well with all of you.
06/24/2010
Lane: Have to see the surgeon tomorrow. Some complications set in. Hoping it can be solved in her office and not another admission. Wish me luck.
06/25/2010
Lane: Not as big a problem as I feared it might be. So Todd and I spent another semi-stressful day in traffic and medical center parking and elevators. Filled a script for more pain meds…so …. Thanks for all your good wishes. Surgeon says I am still on schedule for the corrective surgery in September. No set backs.
07/01/2010
Lane: Thanks everyone for your support and kind wishes. September is not far off. I am performing all my infusion tasks myself now and feel pretty confident.
07/06/2010
Lane: Visiting nurse did my weekly pic line dressing and blood draw today. Blood pressure and other vitals are in good range. Hoping to upgrade the comcast for more variety. Getting bored with limited programming and reality shows. Really miss playing in the band and other energy required activity. TPN infusions basically supply the nutrients for survival. Not much energy for much else.
08/21/2010
Lane: Thanks everyone for your thoughts and good wishes. This coming week is a crucial CT scan that will be the deciding factor in getting the surgery. Wish me luck.
09/13/2010
Jim: I am greatly concerned for my ex-partner, my good friend and EXTREMELY longterm survivor Lane and for his partner Todd. Lane had a full colectomy in February and went in for restorative surgery this Saturday. Todd says he was in a lot of pain last night and apparently quite confused. Please send a lot of LOVE & LIGHT for two very beautiful people. Thanks.
11/14/2010
Todd: The stent used to close the fissure has moved. The doctor told me that there isn’t much they can do for Lane. I’m going to be visiting him today.
Jim: Sending LOVE & LIGHT to my dears Lane & Todd. I will always be here for you. I will help you carry your weight, your joys and your pains. ❤
11/15/2010
Jim: Lane passed into his next life about 10 minutes ago. His partner Todd was there alone with him at the moment. Much love and thank yous to everyone. ❤
In Memory of Lane Carl Ruoff (1952-2010)
At last, the long and lazy days
Indulgent, free, and without care
Are heralded on sun-kissed rays
That warm the earth through fragrant air
Rejoice the breezy, languid nights
The stars, enchanted, shimmering
Above the distant city lights
Or in the darkness, glimmering
The summer solstice, ev’ry year
Brings life to fullness, fortified
With flowers blooming, far and near
And child-like dreams, what might betide
i travel the road
within
and without
to distant lands
and inner truths
freely
unencumbered
i hear the call
beckoning me forward
inward
like a distant whisper
of things to come
knowing my thirst
for discovery
no matter how far
no matter how long
i travel
the road leads me back
to myself
to my origin
weary, but wiser
And now we face the sunrise to the east
In gladness, we shall laud a brand new day
The inner demons and the wayward beast
Are banished to the dark and kept at bay
Come let us greet the dawn with break of feast
And meet the morning troubles, come what may
We’ll find that past regrets have been released
So don’t let yesterday get in the way
This short poem is inspired by my first-ever trip to the Grand Canyon in March 2017.
I approach the Grand Canyon
For the first time
I must remember
This blessed event
And then I see it
Oh my God
OH MY GOD!
OH MY EVER LOVING GOD!!!
I gasp
I laugh
I cry
I am overcome
The colors
The majesty
The history
The beauty
Let me watch
Just for a moment
Or an eternity
In silence
An ode to my hometown…
A hot wind blows across my face
On the ground, cactus and gravel
I know this town, I feel this place
No matter how far I travel
A stillness comes across the land
The animals are all asleep
A zephyr plays across the sand
Unbeknownst to those burrowed deep
Suddenly, lightning and thunder
A symphony of nature’s might
The desert is torn asunder
Behind my window, what a sight!
The clouds lift, the clean air smells sweet
A spirit of joy, renewal
Rainbow puddles under my feet
The mountains shine like a jewel
This is Tucson, land of my birth
Mariachi music, so clear
From whence I came, for what it’s worth
And in my heart, I hold thee near
I sail upon the cosmic wind tonight
A spirit free from gravity, I stray
From earthly bondage, upwards, like a kite
Past planets near and far, I’m on my way
What vistas strange and beautiful I see!
To hear, to feel, to open ev’ry door
Ah yes, this is the state of being free
A universe of life, yet I seek more
Then morning comes with gentle light, so pale
And in forgetfulness, I do arise
Not knowing yonder magic through the veil
If only I could see it with my eyes…
Behold the cosmic tapestry!
The wonder of the universe
The brilliant starlight majesty
The subject of both song and verse
Let’s celebrate variety!
From me to you and all the rest
From fish to fowl, from land to sea
From past to future, all the best
I sing the endless symphony!
I twirl upon a twilight trance
I leap unto cacophony
I melt into the endless dance
O can you hear that distant ring
From far away, a mountain call?
And can you hear the robin sing
With promises of winter’s fall?
This springtime morning, calm and bright
With whispering of things to come
Has pierced the veil of yonder night
To bring forth dance, with flute and drum
Sing merrily my fellow souls
Drink deeply from the cup of life
Skip to and fro, round verdant knolls
Cast off the heavy cloak of strife
Come dance with me and bring good cheer
And let our troubles all take wing
For now the time has come this year
To celebrate the dawning Spring!
Todd's Place